Different Types of Girlfriends
The Jealous Girlfriend
Like her male counterpart, the Jealous Girlfriend finds herself consumed with elaborately constructed fears regarding her partner’s potential betrayal whenever her partner is not in her visual proximity. To a well-adjusted person, the amount of energy the Jealous Girlfriend expends on such preoccupations most likely appears irrational and insane. One might even venture to say that the Jealous Girlfriend’s worries regarding betrayal approach the level of fantasy, as if she actually – for some reason – desired an instance of betrayal on her partner’s behalf. Most likely to be observed going through her partner’s email account, going through her partner’s text messages, repeatedly text messaging her partner when s/he’s out with friends, and ‘forcing’ her partner to come home early from social events because she is unable to handle the ongoing threat represented by her partner as an individual among other individuals gathered for the purpose of having fun, the Jealous Girlfriend’s issues with betrayal stem from a genuine mistrust of loved ones and a fickle definition of love.
The Party Girlfriend
Perhaps one of the most elusive types of girlfriends there are, the Party Girlfriend is not well-suited for relationships, and instead is mostly concerned with being around her friends, going to every music festival whose tickets she can get her little hands on, never missing the show when her favorite band comes into town, and, well, partying. Much to the dismay and frustration of the unfortunate lovers who attempt to tie the Party Girlfriend down into a real relationship, The Party Girlfriend’s clear priority is her set of platonic friends. As such, she’s most often seen texting them while out to dinner with said romantic interest, out to brunch with her friends while said romantic interest sulks at home, or dancing to Ratatat at her best friend’s house party. The Party Girlfriend’s relationships tend not to be relationships at all, but short, passionate flings that act as a sort of sugar-coating for nights at relevant house parties and dive bars. Admittedly, the Party Girlfriend is somewhat of an oxymoron, because as soon as she becomes a “real” girlfriend, keeping partying/ friends as her #1 priority becomes implausible. It is at this juncture that The Party Girlfriend ceases to be a Party Girlfriend and moves on to one of the other types here listed.
The Stressed Out Girlfriend
The Stressed Out Girlfriend can be likened to the clown of the bunch, as she is most often observed losing her shit over life’s most minor hurdles. From a distance, this can be comical, but to those directly involved, it can be a nightmare. What characterizes the events and situations that the Stressed Out Girlfriend gets stressed out about is that they’re generally meaningless obstacles that appear as the result of no person’s will or wish. For example, we are most likely to see the Stressed Out Girlfriend becoming loudly upset at the occurrence of forgetting her keys and having to ask her apartment manager for them, saying “I’m just upset, okay?! I’m just fucking upset, why can’t I be upset?! Jesus fuck, I can’t do this, I can’t go talk to him, I can’t!” Further examples of the Stressed Out Girlfriend reacting with an inordinate amount of intensity include: misplacing her cell phone charger and hearing the “BEEP BEEP” sound her phone emits to indicate that the battery is running low, missing a bus, and forgetting to bring her water bottle on a shopping day with her partner. Indeed, events such as these are simply happenstance, and for this, the Stressed Out Girlfriend induces a sort of torture on her partner in which her partner must either become upset with her for becoming upset with reality (this is not advised), or humor her and attempt to calmly mitigate the situation.
The Giver
Like some gift of fate from the doe-eyed gods above us all, The Giver magically appears in one’s life and proceeds to break down all preconceived notions regarding intimacy and relationship roles. The Giver is a girl that shows more sexual stamina, interest, and participation than any girl her partner’s ever been with; she takes the task of pleasing her partner by its shoulders, looks it in the eyes, grins, says “I can do this,” and feels excited to do so. And she does do it, sweetly, over and over again, more than her partner would have ever imagined humanly possible, and for a time, the partner exists in a dazed state of emotional and sexual bliss. Apart from the partner’s own standards of fairness or relationship justice, no repayment of any kind is expected or even necessary. Obviously, then, the Giver can most often be observed in acts such as undressing for yet another round of sex, making her partner a lunch that s/he can take to the coffee shop where s/he works, going down on her partner for the second time today, or making sure her partner has the most comfortable pillow. It is as yet unknown why The Giver maintains such a selfless and generous relationship role, but it can be surmised that her worldview is one that dictates the role of girlfriend as one who provides and maintains – as would a mother. Or, The Giver is simply turned on by it.
The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend
Reminiscent of Winona Ryder à la Girl Interrupted, the Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is inconsolably dark, constantly wrapped up in doom-laden thoughts of the future, her relationships with her friends and family, and work/ school. The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is more or less an abusive/ exploitative being, and this is most transparently evidenced by the fact that while she’s basically up against the same world and the same problems as everyone else in the Western World, she, for some reason, makes a huge, whiny deal about how she “can’t handle” them, and clings to her partner – using her or him, in a sense – as if s/he were a life raft. The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is most likely to be cherished by her partner for some spark of brilliance to which they were once witness, which – in vein, most of the time – the partner is most likely to spend most of his or her time seeking. All the while, the Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is sucking the life out of the partner, using him or her as a crutch for her own insecurities and reliance on maladaptive coping mechanisms. Consequently, we are most likely to see her partner at social events, alone, yet on the phone with the Needy and Depressed girlfriend, assuring her that things are okay, that everything will be fine, and that – don’t worry – s/he’ll be home soon.
The Girlfriend You Can’t Have
The Girlfriend You Can’t Have is in a relationship with someone that is not you, and her partner has no idea how special she really is. The Girlfriend You Can’t Have is beautiful, and no one except you knows the extent of her beauty and uniqueness. You have known the Girlfriend You Can’t Have for quite some time, now, and – respectful of her relationship with the guy/girl you secretly think is an idiot (or the guy/girl that just so happens to be your best friend) – you’ve watched her silently, sage-like. Both her sweetness and intellect are terrifying and irresistable at the same time, and every time you see her smile, you melt. You kissed the Girlfriend You Can’t Have, once, in the bathroom of your friend’s house party. She was drunk, and so were you, and it was one of the sweetest kisses you’ve ever had. You haven’t spoken about it since, and you probably won’t, ever. The world can sometimes stack its deck against potential lovers, such that potential lovers, unfortunately, accept defeat as a matter of course.
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Like her male counterpart, the Jealous Girlfriend finds herself consumed with elaborately constructed fears regarding her partner’s potential betrayal whenever her partner is not in her visual proximity. To a well-adjusted person, the amount of energy the Jealous Girlfriend expends on such preoccupations most likely appears irrational and insane. One might even venture to say that the Jealous Girlfriend’s worries regarding betrayal approach the level of fantasy, as if she actually – for some reason – desired an instance of betrayal on her partner’s behalf. Most likely to be observed going through her partner’s email account, going through her partner’s text messages, repeatedly text messaging her partner when s/he’s out with friends, and ‘forcing’ her partner to come home early from social events because she is unable to handle the ongoing threat represented by her partner as an individual among other individuals gathered for the purpose of having fun, the Jealous Girlfriend’s issues with betrayal stem from a genuine mistrust of loved ones and a fickle definition of love.
- Most likely to be spotted at: At home, digitally stalking her partner
- Favorite drink: Whiskey to fuel the rage
- Favorite website: Facebook, Twitter, and Gmail chat, for their ability to help monitor her partner
The Party Girlfriend
Perhaps one of the most elusive types of girlfriends there are, the Party Girlfriend is not well-suited for relationships, and instead is mostly concerned with being around her friends, going to every music festival whose tickets she can get her little hands on, never missing the show when her favorite band comes into town, and, well, partying. Much to the dismay and frustration of the unfortunate lovers who attempt to tie the Party Girlfriend down into a real relationship, The Party Girlfriend’s clear priority is her set of platonic friends. As such, she’s most often seen texting them while out to dinner with said romantic interest, out to brunch with her friends while said romantic interest sulks at home, or dancing to Ratatat at her best friend’s house party. The Party Girlfriend’s relationships tend not to be relationships at all, but short, passionate flings that act as a sort of sugar-coating for nights at relevant house parties and dive bars. Admittedly, the Party Girlfriend is somewhat of an oxymoron, because as soon as she becomes a “real” girlfriend, keeping partying/ friends as her #1 priority becomes implausible. It is at this juncture that The Party Girlfriend ceases to be a Party Girlfriend and moves on to one of the other types here listed.
- Most likely to be spotted at: A house party, her arm around her two best friends, drink in hand, singing
- Favorite drink: Cheap beer by the bottle
- Favorite website: lastnightsparty, lastsnightstexts
The Stressed Out Girlfriend
The Stressed Out Girlfriend can be likened to the clown of the bunch, as she is most often observed losing her shit over life’s most minor hurdles. From a distance, this can be comical, but to those directly involved, it can be a nightmare. What characterizes the events and situations that the Stressed Out Girlfriend gets stressed out about is that they’re generally meaningless obstacles that appear as the result of no person’s will or wish. For example, we are most likely to see the Stressed Out Girlfriend becoming loudly upset at the occurrence of forgetting her keys and having to ask her apartment manager for them, saying “I’m just upset, okay?! I’m just fucking upset, why can’t I be upset?! Jesus fuck, I can’t do this, I can’t go talk to him, I can’t!” Further examples of the Stressed Out Girlfriend reacting with an inordinate amount of intensity include: misplacing her cell phone charger and hearing the “BEEP BEEP” sound her phone emits to indicate that the battery is running low, missing a bus, and forgetting to bring her water bottle on a shopping day with her partner. Indeed, events such as these are simply happenstance, and for this, the Stressed Out Girlfriend induces a sort of torture on her partner in which her partner must either become upset with her for becoming upset with reality (this is not advised), or humor her and attempt to calmly mitigate the situation.
- Most likely to be spotted at: On the curb outside her apartment, having a near emotional breakdown on the phone with her partner because she locked herself out again
- Favorite drink: A glass of wine in the bath tub
- Favorite website: She forgot her password to her Windows account and is currently unable to get online (don’t bring it up, though – she might freak)
The Giver
Like some gift of fate from the doe-eyed gods above us all, The Giver magically appears in one’s life and proceeds to break down all preconceived notions regarding intimacy and relationship roles. The Giver is a girl that shows more sexual stamina, interest, and participation than any girl her partner’s ever been with; she takes the task of pleasing her partner by its shoulders, looks it in the eyes, grins, says “I can do this,” and feels excited to do so. And she does do it, sweetly, over and over again, more than her partner would have ever imagined humanly possible, and for a time, the partner exists in a dazed state of emotional and sexual bliss. Apart from the partner’s own standards of fairness or relationship justice, no repayment of any kind is expected or even necessary. Obviously, then, the Giver can most often be observed in acts such as undressing for yet another round of sex, making her partner a lunch that s/he can take to the coffee shop where s/he works, going down on her partner for the second time today, or making sure her partner has the most comfortable pillow. It is as yet unknown why The Giver maintains such a selfless and generous relationship role, but it can be surmised that her worldview is one that dictates the role of girlfriend as one who provides and maintains – as would a mother. Or, The Giver is simply turned on by it.
- Most likely to be spotted at: In bed with her partner
- Favorite drink: Anything non-alcoholic (she wants her partner to have fun tonight)
- Favorite website: New age blogs that cover healthy food, Yoga, meditation, etc.
The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend
Reminiscent of Winona Ryder à la Girl Interrupted, the Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is inconsolably dark, constantly wrapped up in doom-laden thoughts of the future, her relationships with her friends and family, and work/ school. The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is more or less an abusive/ exploitative being, and this is most transparently evidenced by the fact that while she’s basically up against the same world and the same problems as everyone else in the Western World, she, for some reason, makes a huge, whiny deal about how she “can’t handle” them, and clings to her partner – using her or him, in a sense – as if s/he were a life raft. The Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is most likely to be cherished by her partner for some spark of brilliance to which they were once witness, which – in vein, most of the time – the partner is most likely to spend most of his or her time seeking. All the while, the Needy and Depressed Girlfriend is sucking the life out of the partner, using him or her as a crutch for her own insecurities and reliance on maladaptive coping mechanisms. Consequently, we are most likely to see her partner at social events, alone, yet on the phone with the Needy and Depressed girlfriend, assuring her that things are okay, that everything will be fine, and that – don’t worry – s/he’ll be home soon.
- Most likely to be spotted at: Buried into her partner’s shoulder
- Favorite drink: Whatever she can spike with Valium or Ambien
- Favorite website: Facebook, where she can pine over old friends with whom she’s not in contact anymore
The Girlfriend You Can’t Have
The Girlfriend You Can’t Have is in a relationship with someone that is not you, and her partner has no idea how special she really is. The Girlfriend You Can’t Have is beautiful, and no one except you knows the extent of her beauty and uniqueness. You have known the Girlfriend You Can’t Have for quite some time, now, and – respectful of her relationship with the guy/girl you secretly think is an idiot (or the guy/girl that just so happens to be your best friend) – you’ve watched her silently, sage-like. Both her sweetness and intellect are terrifying and irresistable at the same time, and every time you see her smile, you melt. You kissed the Girlfriend You Can’t Have, once, in the bathroom of your friend’s house party. She was drunk, and so were you, and it was one of the sweetest kisses you’ve ever had. You haven’t spoken about it since, and you probably won’t, ever. The world can sometimes stack its deck against potential lovers, such that potential lovers, unfortunately, accept defeat as a matter of course.
- Most likely to be spotted at: A house party, from a distance, holding her partner’s hand, laughing that way she does
- Favorite drink: Whatever you think is the most adorable thing someone can be into drinking
- Favorite website: She’s not really into the internet (this is part of how special she is)
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Different Types of Girlfriends
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